Mature Personals

I had lunch with my friend Anna today. Anna was 31 and has recently moved back from Europe. She was back on the dating scene after splitting with her European boyfriend. She was not used to Aussie guys..but she seemed to pick up “tradies” (guys who work in trades such as builders, landscapers) everywhere she went. It was as though she seemed to attract blue collar workers. She was actually after guys in suits but in the meantime she was working her way through the labour ladder. Anna saw dating as a sport. She had a theory on dating…she said there were two types of women out there…ones that dated to meet a husband and ones that dated for fun…to try out different guys and enjoy the vast variety of men. Anna was one of the latter ones…she had spent a few years traveling the world working in such exotic places as Japan, Singapore, Spain and USA. She was now trying out Aussie men.

Mature Singles

My friend Anita thought that she would live happily ever after….after her first marriage ended in divorce she had found love again and married to Sam. Things went well for the first six months but after the honeymoon period ended Sam became distant. He was not meeting her emotional needs. He thought she was needy and clingy. Her fairy tale was becoming a nightmare. They started seeing a counsellor but neither of them seemed to be able to give each other what they needed. They were at opposite ends of the spectrum yet were both afraid to leave each other. They believed in the fantasy that somehow one could change the other so that there would be a happy ending. The fantasy only created frustration…between what they have and what they want or need. They are fighting a lot…going to counselling and living in separate rooms. What will happen? Anita is afraid to leave…at 37 she feels this was her last chance at love…at a life partner and possibly children. But she’s also frustrated at making it work…it’s been two years but neither of them are happy. Stay or go? A question for many couples. My last relationship left me broken hearted…so I’m living in my own fantasy….looking but not putting myself out there. You can’t get hurt if you do not put yourself out there. So I keep daydreaming about the perfect relationship with the guy on my evening commute. I know he’ll never be mine but I’m happy to at last have the fantasy.

Older Men and Women

I wondered if the same theory applied to gay men. Yes, my friend Ted only seemed to date people who had husband material. He spoke about children and marriage from the first day. This clearly put off some guys who were only interested in dating as a sport. A lot of my female friends had the same motives. Find a husband…father and life partner…one with property, a stable job and a salary in the six figure range. Most people date to find companionship..to share their life. Dating can be fun though….and a learning experience. You get better the more you date…you get your spill ready for your first date and you can tell if there are any sparks for the initial meeting. Dating is a lot like going on job interviews…you want to seem keen but not too keen. You want to make the best first impression in the hopes that you get a call back. For some..the job..maybe temporary…a step up or a career for life. Dating can take a lot of energy. I’m definitely not ready for either type of dating..not looking for a husband or to meet new people. Anna is booked for the whole week…still working her way to the hotties in suits…she’s got more builders, landscapers and a plumber. I guess if the dates do not go well..she’ll still have plenty of tradies to come fix her house.

Over 50 Dating

They say communication is one of the most important things in relationships although some people (specially many gay men) would argue that sex is more important. We put a lot of emphasis on labels... “fuckbuddy” “boyfriend” “partner” “husband” are labels we all seek. We constantly spend time trying to define our relationships: single, dating, shagging, long term, married...and try to use words to express our feelings: love, lust, jealousy, heartbreak, anger. My friend Tom is trying to define his relationship with S. He told me they were seeing each other but neither is ready to call each other “boyfriend.” They have not defined their relationship as exclusive yet they spend each weekend together. Tom has used the “L” word as in “like” but does not feel ready to use the “b” word as in boyfriend with S. He’s not even sure they are dating...but prefers to call S his friend with privileges. Yet another word to describe a relationship!

Senior Mates

I could not help and wonder if we use language to express our feelings or to protect us from them. L-O-V-E ...a four letter word that can have a huge impact on any relationship. Tell a guy that you love him...and you may never see him again. Do not say "love you" back and you may find yourself single. Everyone seems to be looking for long-term "L-O-V-E." Some cannot say the word...and therefore are never able to feel the emotion. If you cannot say it, you cannot feel it. L-O-V-E is a scary word for me at the moment. I’m not ready to put my heart out there....to risk myself getting hurt. S-E-X is a label I feel more comfortable with. Heartbroken...another label most of us are not happy with. So what is the key to good communication? Dirty talk in the bedroom? Ted thinks the key is to have weekly relationship meetings. We have progress meetings at work....progress meetings at therapy..why not progress meetings with our boyfriends or partners. We need to talk about the relationship...the issues...before it is too late, says Ted. I wondered if he was right? I’m still trying to communicate within myself...not ready to deal with any labels..especially the “ex”